Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her the only can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) -- Osama bin Laden called on President Bush in an audiotape released Friday to release the body of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and said Jordan should allow the slain terrorist to be buried in his homeland.

In the 19-minute message, bin Laden paid tribute to al-Zarqawi and said the former al-Qaida in Iraq leader had been under orders to kill Iraqis who supported U.S. forces in the country. He also vowed more attacks against the United States in the Middle East and Africa.

[...]

In the tape, bin Laden effusively praised the Jordanian-born al-Zarqawi, often in rhyming couplets.

"We will continue to fight you and your allies everywhere, in Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia and Sudan to run down your resources and kill your men until you return defeated to your nation," he said, addressing Bush.

Washington - Gun-control groups erupted in anger at Rep. Marilyn Musgrave, R-Colo., Thursday after she sponsored an amendment that deleted funding for the federal trigger-lock law.

[...]

"Lawn mowers can be dangerous," Musgrave argued. "Should we mandate that all lawn mowers be sold with a blade lock?"

[...]

Musgrave's amendment, prohibiting the expenditure of federal funds to enforce the law, passed 230-191. All of Colorado's representatives except Democrats Diana DeGette and Mark Udall voted for the amendment.

"Last year, in one of the few sound moves taken by Congress, a law was passed that said gun dealers should provide locks," said Sarah Brady of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. "Last night, in a tragic display of how many members of Congress will do anything the gun lobby tells them to do, a majority of the U.S. House voted to repeal the law.

"As someone who knows so many victims of unintentional shootings, and as a mother, this makes me ill," she said.

Washington - Federal officials reported Thursday that they have recovered a laptop and external hard drive - stolen May 3 from the Maryland home of a Department of Veterans Affairs employee - that contained the Social Security numbers of more than 26 million veterans and their spouses.

[...]

"The worst-case scenario may have been averted this time, but an even greater tragedy would be if this type (of) incident was allowed to happen again because of complacency in the workplace," said Joe Davis, a spokesman for the Veterans of Foreign Wars.

CHEYENNE -- The Wyoming Republican Party's modified request for records of the administration of Democratic Gov. Dave Freudenthal hones in on the first lady's travel and activities.

Furthermore, [state GOP Chairman Drake] Hill is seeking log books and mileage information to show whether an employee of the Wyoming Highway Patrol or any state agency has driven Nancy Freudenthal to an event, as first lady or as a private attorney on behalf of clients.

"Included within this request, please provide information relating to Ms. Freudenthal attending a meeting of the Platte County Commissioners as a private attorney appearing in a matter before the Platte County Commissioners with the use of a State Trooper vehicle along with a State Trooper as well as her use of a State Trooper vehicle and a State Trooper this past weekend in Wheatland for campaign activities," the letter reads.

[Pete Maxfield, the governor's attorney] said late Wednesday afternoon that he didn't know about the first lady's meeting with the Platte County Commission.

"I'm confident that anything that was done was done properly, but beyond that I don't know," Maxfield said.

He said the Wyoming Highway Patrol will have those records.

He said if Hill's claim is true, it's possible that, as a policy matter, the first lady is required to travel with security.

Police instead arrested Gannon, charging him with two felony counts of violating state eavesdropping and wiretap law by using an electronic device to record Karlis without the detective’s consent.

[...]

The boy wasn’t home when Karlis went there, and the Gannons were “uncooperative” regarding his whereabouts, police reported.

[...]

Police reported that Gannon “has a history of being verbally abusive” toward police, and that after his arrest, he remarked that the officers “were a bunch of corrupt (expletives).”

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction workers..those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Executive Order: Protecting the Property Rights of the American People

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, and to strengthen the rights of the American people against the taking of their private property, it is hereby ordered as follows:

Section 1. Policy. It is the policy of the United States to protect the rights of Americans to their private property, including by limiting the taking of private property by the Federal Government to situations in which the taking is for public use, with just compensation, and for the purpose of benefiting the general public and not merely for the purpose of advancing the economic interest of private parties to be given ownership or use of the property taken.

BALAD, Iraq -- The U.S. military has begun sending thousands of battered Humvees and other war-torn equipment home as more Iraqi units join the fight against insurgents and American units scheduled for Iraq duty have their orders canceled.

In the last four months, the Army has tagged 7,000 Humvees and 17,000 other pieces of equipment to be shipped to the United States to be rebuilt. They then will be distributed among active and reserve units at home, or possibly returned to equip Iraqi security forces.

The military said the shipments will result in a reduction in the amount of U.S. equipment in Iraq, a cut made possible because the area patrolled by American troops is shrinking. The move also anticipates that the number of American troops in Iraq will decline.

The proponents include some members of Congress. Two Republicans, Representative Peter Hoekstra of Michigan, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, and Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania held a news conference on Wednesday to announce that, as Mr. Santorum put it, "We have found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq."

The assertion by two Republican lawmakers that a new intelligence study proves that chemical weapons were found in Iraq has triggered sharp criticism from Democrats that the GOP is distorting intelligence for political purposes.

Hundreds of chemical weapons found in Iraq were produced before the 1991 Gulf War and probably are so old they couldn't be used as designed, intelligence officials said Thursday.

So far, the Department of Defense has backed away from proposals to arm these MTRS (Man Transportable Robotic System), because of safety concerns. It's not that the armed robots would just be turned on, and turned lose [sic]. They would be controlled by their human operator, but there is a reluctance to having the troops equipped with an armed robot. Such systems are more prone to friendly fire incidents. But the troops want them, and the manufacturers of the robots, are spending their own money to develop armed versions of its UGVs.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

WASHINGTON - The owner of the South Texas ranch where Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a hunting companion chipped in on the gift of a shotgun for presidential aide Karl Rove last year.

Specifically, a Beretta 687 Silver Pigeon II, a handsome 20-gauge shotgun worth $2,073 that Katharine Armstrong and 10 other friends gave the senior adviser and deputy chief of staff to President Bush, according to financial disclosure forms released Friday for top White House aides.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie

The remains were dated to about 110 million years ago, making them the oldest for the group Ornithurae, which includes all modern birds and their closest extinct relatives. Previously, the oldest known fossils from this group were from about 99 million years ago.

To begin with, you asserted that any use of American Indian images or nicknames was hostile and abusive. Later you changed this to hostile or abusive – as if this were meaningful in some way. Some of your initial rhetoric actually encompassed nicknames derived from any race or ethnic group. Many of us heard Myles Brand in a radio interview say that “Fighting Irish” was not a problem nickname because (his words) it was really about leprechauns and not real people. Really?

We explained that we have a beautiful logo designed by a respected American Indian artist and that we use the nickname with consummate respect – expecting and getting respect for the Sioux culture from our fans. We pointed out that we do not do tomahawk chops, we do not have white guys painted up like Indians, and our fans do not do Indian chants.

[...]

How far does the NCAA think its jurisdiction goes? Does it extend into history? Do you really expect us to airbrush all of the references to Sioux off the jerseys of our many national championship teams – on the many photographs and championship banners lining the walls of our sports venues?

And get this: even if we were to stop using the nickname we have used with pride for nearly eighty years, and decided to forgo any nickname – since they may all be at some future risk – and simply be known as the University of North Dakota and used the University’s seal or even the State Seal, we would still apparently be in violation of your policy. “Dakota” is what some of the Sioux actually call themselves. Our University Seal and the State Seal have images of American Indians on them.

CORVALLIS, Ore. (AP) - A main ingredient in beer may help prevent prostate cancer and enlargement, according to a new study.

But researchers say don't rush out to stock the refrigerator because the ingredient is present in such small amounts that a person would have to drink more than 17 beers to benefit.

Oregon State University researchers say the compound xanthohumol, found in hops, inhibits a specific protein in the cells along the surface of the prostate gland.

Dean Barnett -- "... If your wife/girlfriend/date asks, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” I don’t care if the outfit in question makes her look like the Goodyear Blimp. The only possible answer is, “No, dear. You look beautiful.”

"Does this make you intellectually dishonest? Does it make you a liar? Does it mean your relationship is built on a foundation of untruth?

"In short, who cares? ..."

The Antiquities Act is the first law to establish that archeological sites on public lands are important public resources. It obligates federal agencies that manage the public lands to preserve for present and future generations the historic, scientific, commemorative, and cultural values of the archaeological and historic sites and structures on these lands. It also authorizes the President to protect landmarks, structures, and objects of historic or scientific interest by designating them as National Monuments.

One thing I've never understood: When you report on a campaign, you notice that virtually all major candidates' "advance men" and women are astonishingly, scarily competent--full of energy, able to organize a three-factory tour with portable bleachers in ten minutes. Where do these people go when the governing starts? Are they so tired they sleep for four years?